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"Fuzzy, We Barely Knew Ye" transcript
Prologue: The theme tune intro Male Voice: Oh here we go, oh here we go, oh here we go [Hey Arnold! Theme Music In Background] Helga: "Arnold!" Helga: "Hey, Arnold." Kid Screaming In Fear Helga: "Hey, Arnold." Helga: "Arnold?" Helga: "Arnold?" Helga: "Arnold?" Helga: "Arnold." Helga: "Move it, football head." All Male Voices: "Hey, Arnold." Fade to a black screen........ Scene 1: The PS 118 school building/Mr. Simmons' 5th grade classroom Arnold, Gerald, Sid, Stinky, Eugene, Harold, Sheena and Phoebe are looking at the class guinea pig, Fuzzy, who's running around in his cage. Eugene: "Wow, he sure is adorable." Harold: "Adorable but fast, look how fast he runs around when I squeak his rubber cucumber." Cucumber Squeaking Sid: "Go, Fuzzy, go!" Gerald puts Fuzzy's water bottle around Fuzzy's cage. Gerald: "Distilled water from the PS 118 science room." Eugene: (carrying a box of guinea pig croutons) "And let's not forget his Friday afternoon snack treat: vitamin-fortified guinea pig croutons, cheese and garlic flavored 1s are his most absolute favorite." Fuzzy begins eating the guinea pig croutons. Phoebe: "Hey, slow down, Fuzzy, you gotta pace yourself or they wont last the entire weekend." 118 School Bell Ringing Mr. Simmons: "Alright, students, have a good weekend, remember, Monday is positive energy week." Curly; "Bye, Fuzzy." Iggy: "We'll see you Monday." Arnold: "6th grade has the garter snake, 4th grade's got the green frog, but we got Fuzzy." Helga: "Will you guys just hurry up? we have some major playing to do." Sid: (looking at Harold, who's waving goodbye to Fuzzy) "Take it easy, Harold." Later, the next morning...... Bell Ringing Again Mr. Simmons: "Good morning, students." All PS 118 5th grade students: "Good morning, Mr. Simmons." Harold: "Rise and shine, Fuzzy, it's Monday." (Brief Pause) Harold: "Fuzzy? hey, Fuzzy, wake up." Gerald: "What's goin' on, Harold?" Harold: "Fuzzy's just lying there." Phoebe: "Maybe he's terribly ill." Harold: "Fuzzy?" Fuzzy is lying around in his cage with no signs of life energy. Gerald: "Nah, he's just tired, that's all." Arnold: "Yeah right, he had a real big weekend, sitting around, falling asleep, eating cheese and garlic croutons-" Eugene: "But, Arnold, he didn't eat his cheese and garlic croutons." The PS 118 5th grade students stare in disbelief. Mr. Simmons: "Don't panic, class, I'm pretty sure Fuzzy's just fine, he's probably in some sort of guinea pig hibernation." Phoebe: "But, Mr. Simmons, guinea pigs don't hibernate." Mr. Simmons: "Oh, well, then, uh, maybe he's meditating, meditation is a good way to begin your week." Phoebe takes Fuzzy's now to be revealed deceased body outta Fuzzy's cage. Phoebe: "Oh my word, Fuzzy's not meditating, Mr. Simmons, he's -- he's --" Harold: "Fuzzy's deceased!" [Deceased Echoing] Outside the PS 118 school courtyard Helga: "Alright, 3 out, nobody on, play's to 1st." Helga kicks the kickball over to where Harold is standing. Helga: "Hey, come on, crimeny am I the only 1 playing here?" Arnold: "Sorry, Helga, I just can't get my mind off Fuzzy." Gerald: "Yeah me neither, Arnold, I just keep thinking about how he used to run around all day and night." Harold: "And how he used to tickle my face with his light brown and white furs." Phoebe: "And how he used to zip around through my maze without ever getting lost, I kept trying to tell myself he was just 1 hunk of DNA, but who am I kidding? Fuzzy was very special to all of us." Helga: "Very special? he was a guinea pig, go down to the pet shop and they have a lot of them, they're all of the exact same." Harold: "Maybe to you, Helga, but to me, he was very special, he was my good friend and I--Up I killed him, I pushed him too hard with that squeaky cucumber." Harold: Uncontrollably Gerald: "Oh come on, Harold, it wasn't your entire fault, I was the 1 who gave him that pathetic distilled water." Eugene: "No, it was those cheese and garlic croutons, his poor little heart couldn't take so much flavoring." Helga: "Look, if it makes all of you feel so much better, you all killed him, alright? now can we play?" Arnold: "Come on, you guys, it's nobody's entire fault, it was just his time to go." Harold: "I know, Arnold, I just wish I could've said goodbye to the little dude." Eugene: "It's too late right now." Arnold: "Oh yeah? says who?" Phoebe: "It seems pretty obvious, Arnold." Arnold: "Hey, it's not too late to say goodbye, Fuzzy was our good friend, I say we give him a funeral ceremony." Helga: "A funeral ceremony? for a guinea pig?" Gerald: "Oh yeah, give the little dude a proper send-off." Phoebe: "A memorial service to share our heartfelt sentiments." Arnold: "We'll get some other kids at PS 118 to help all of us, it'll be super thrilling." Gerald: "Let's all do it." Helga: "Why do I get the feeling my entire day just got wrecked?" Meanwhile with Joey and Iggy........ Joey: "Sorry, you guys." Iggy: "We're booked solid." Joey: "We've got a bomb shelter for that new math teacher." Harold: "But this is for Fuzzy." Joey: "Fuzzy?" Iggy: "The guinea pig?" Joey: "Why didn't you say so?" Iggy: "Fuzzy was a real good digger." Joey: "We'd be honored to help all of you out." Now with Rhonda, Lila and Sheena. Rhonda: "A funeral ceremony for a guinea pig?" Lila: "Well, I do need a new outfit." Sheena: "Something black." Rhonda: "Plus a cap with a veil." Lila: "I'll get some sneakers and matching bags." Now with Lorenzo....... Lorenzo: "This is the best plot at PS 118, something like this would set you back, but because it's for Fuzzy, you can have my all-in-1 burial package at a mere 2 bucks over cost." Arnold: "You have yourself a deal." Helga: "Hey wait just 1 minute, I'm not giving up my ice cream money to bury a little fur ball." Harold: "Oh come on, Helga, it's for Fuzzy." Joey and Iggy begin digging Fuzzy's grave. King Toby shows up. King Toby: "Hey, what do you kids think you're doing over there?" Lorenzo: "Whoops, I gotta go." Arnold: "Hey, King Toby, Your Highness, we were just-" Gerald: "Diggin' a grave." King Toby: "Digging a grave in 7th grade territory? how dare you, take them over to the tetherball wall." Arnold: "But you don't understand, Your Highness." Harold: "We're having a funeral ceremony for Fuzzy." King Toby: "For Fuzzy? the guinea pig? I didn't even know he was seriously ill, why, when I was a 5th grade student like yourselves, I used to speak to Fuzzy and tell him all of my hopes, dreams and visions, of course you can bury Fuzzy here, in fact, I, King Toby, will give the most perfect eulogy." Helga: "What's with you people?!? have you all gone crazy?!? it's a guinea pig, a dumb, crazy little, insignificant $3.49 guinea pig!" Helga storms off in annoyance. King Toby: "What's going on with her?" Fuzzy's funeral and burial site There are lots of bike riders, and the grave has already been dug up. Everybody's there, including the kindergarten students, 1st grade students, 2nd grade students, 3rd grade students, 4th grade students, 6th grade students, the 7th grade students, the 8th grade students, Rhonda, Lila and Sheena. Phoebe: "How could 1 guinea pig have so many good friends?" Arnold, Gerald, Sid, Stinky, Eugene, Curly and Harold are carrying Fuzzy's blue shoe box casket over to the grave, and they place it down very gently. King Toby steps right up to prepare his eulogy. King Toby: Throat "Good friends of PS 118, we're all here today to say goodbye to Fuzzy, Fuzzy was more than just a guinea pig, he was a good friend to all of us." Mr. and Mrs. Kokoshka, Mr. Potts and Mr. Hyuhn show up. Mr. Potts: "Hey, are we late?" King Toby: "And you are?" Mr. Potts: "We're the true family members of the Sunset Arms Boarding House, me, Oskar, Susie and Mr. Hyuhn came just as soon as we heard." Mr. Kokoshka: "That's exactly right, we knew Fuzzy back in 5th grade." Mrs. Kokoshka: "He used to be a true mascot to all of us." Mr. Hyuhn: Uncontrollably King Toby: "Alright, fine, just stand right over there, way over there." The 4 Sunset Arms Boarding House residents go right over to the other side. King Toby: "Anyway, for some of us, Fuzzy was a good friend, for others, a true mascot." Harvey and Mrs. Vitello show up. Mrs. Vitello: "So, did we miss anything here?" Phoebe: "You guys knew Fuzzy as well too?" Harvey: "Why sure, back in 5th grade, we played with Fuzzy more than we played with toy cars, trucks, railroad trains and city buses." King Toby: "Good, fine, just stand right over there with the big blubbering man." King Toby: "Anyway, just as I was saying, a good friend, a true mascot, a wonderful playmate, Fuzzy was all of this and more, in fact-" Mr. Green shows up at the funeral ceremony. Mr. Green: "I came here to pay my respects to a good guinea pig." Mrs. Vitello: "Marty? you knew Fuzzy?" Mr. Green: "Know him? I know everything to this little critter, (he takes out a very old picture frame), back when I was a 5th grade student, this little guinea pig was my only good friend, he never laughed at my hopes, dreams and visions, he just ran around in his cage, telling me like he was saying keep moving, Marty, keep moving, (he places the picture frame by Fuzzy's grave) thanks a bunch, Fuzzy, Up I'll never forget about you." Phoebe: (looking at the year on the picture frame) "1957? that's more than 47 years ago." King Toby: "Anyway, just I was trying to say, good friend, true mascot, wonderful playmate, great soul mate, Fuzzy meant an entire bunch of stuff to a lot of us, and, well -- ah, what the heck? just bury the little fur ball." Everybody is now saluting in memoriam, while the shoebox casket is being buried in the grave. [All Students Playing Taps] Students Weeping Silently Helga: (off screen) "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Helga: "Take me as well too!" Gasps In Shock Mr. Green: "Goodness gracious!" Phoebe: "Helga? what are you doing here?" Helga: "I really loved the little rodent, alright? I really loved everything, his nose, his paws, I'll never forget the very 1st day he looked up at me with those eyes, and I saw true love, that's right, true love, I'll never love another guinea pig again." Helga is now dragged outta the grave. Helga: "Just leave us alone!" Helga escapes from the grasp, while Fuzzy's deceased body is outta the blue shoe box casket. Helga: "Fuzzy! Fuzzy!" (Brief Pause) Helga: "Fuzzy?" Helga: "Hey, did Fuzzy always have a spot right under his chin?" King Toby: "Spot under his chin? now way, Fuzzy had a stripe right down his back." Mr. Hyuhn: "A stripe? Fuzzy had white paws like running sneakers." Mr. Green: "Running sneakers? Fuzzy was light brown from head to toe." Phoebe grabs the picture frame. Phoebe: "Hey, this 1's a female." King Toby: "What the--" Phoebe: "Yeah right, the 1 in the picture is a young girl, but the Fuzzy I always knew before was a young boy." Arnold: "But that means--" Phoebe: "They're not the exact same guinea pig." Harvey: "But how can this be?" Mr. Simmons: (off screen) "Maybe I can explain." Phoebe: "Mr. Simmons?" Mr. Simmons: "You see, the average guinea pig only hangs around on this home land for a couple of years, and we teachers weren't really sure if you kids could handle the metaphysical ramifications of, you know, death situations." Gerald: "What are you tryin' to say, Mr. Simmons?" Mr. Simmons: "Well, it's like this, from the day PS 118 was built, every single 5th grade class had a guinea pig named Fuzzy, and whenever 1 passed away, we teachers would secretly replace it with a new 1 right before all of you found out." Sid: "You mean you fibbed in front of us?" Mr. Simmons: "Fib is such a harsh word, Sid, I prefer to say that we massaged to reality." Phoebe: "Well, that explains it, in order to have known all of these people, Fuzzy would've been alive for decades." Mr. Potts: "But that means this isn't my Fuzzy." Mr. Kokoshka: "Or mine." Mrs. Kokoshka: "Or mine either." Mr. Potts: "Come on, you guys, let's go back home to the boarding house." Everybody begins leaving, but Arnold stops them. Arnold: "Stop, wait!" Mrs. Vitello: "Don't try and stop all of us, young man." Harvey: "We could become a very ugly mob." Arnold: "Now hang on, you're all acting like a bunch of kindergarteners." Mr. Green: Up "No I'm not, I want my Fuzzy." Protesting Arnold: "Look, maybe this Fuzzy wasn't your fuzzy or yours or mine, the fact is, every single Fuzzy was a Fuzzy to somebody, and just 'cause there's more than 1, doesn't change how many of us were feeling, it doesn't even change what they taught all of us either, like how to make a bed outta wood shavings, how to enjoy the most fresh vegetables, how fun and exciting it can be to run around in circles, and most importantly, how to be a good friend, we came here today to honor a good guinea pig, only now we get to honor a lot of good guinea pigs, not just my Fuzzy, but yours and yours, and yours, and even yours, so what do you say? let's do this thing the right way, for Fuzzy." King Toby: "I hereby declare this, the grave of the unknown Fuzzy." Crowd: "Yahoo!" Helga puts Fuzzy's deceased body right back in the blue shoebox casket, and they begin burying it. Arnold: "Fuzzy, we barely knew ye." Flashback Sequence: Fuzzy in memoriam Fade to another black screen........... 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